Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 26 seconds

RANDOM THOUGHTS: STEVEN SEGAL

Steven SegalAction star Steven Segal has reportedly been selected by Vladimir Putin to help get Russia in shape. Segal is being asked to develop a countrywide exercise regimen and single-handedly lead the next invasion. ... The DNA-testing web site, 23andMe, regularly features surveys that its members can participate in about health. A recent one asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I replied, "I don't know and I don't care." Actually, I suffer from Hamburger's syndrome and occasionally have an irresistible urge to be covered in onion, lettuce and tomato.

.... After spending a week with minor flu-like symptoms, I told friends in Facebook post that I was almost back to normal. "You've never been back to normal," one responded. ... A news story reports that following a bankruptcy case, million jars of peanut butter that no one wanted were buried in a New Mexico landfill. The bankruptcy trustee had the court block plans to place a half million jars of jelly in the same place. "We are fearful of the consequences," he told the judge. ... The quickest way to provoke a reaction in the New Jersey governor's mansion right now is for someone to call out "Is there a fourth for bridge?" Playing the tune "Bridge Over Troubled Waters", also can produce an outbreak of nervousness among state officials. ... British health officials report there are two documented cases of tuberculosis spreading from cats to humans. Apparently part of the evidence included YouTube videos of some cats who, in the middle of their cute shenanigans, began coughing convulsively. ... After Peter Parker (Spiderman) married Mary Jane Watson and began having a family; it appears Mendelian rules of inheritance kicked in. One of their four children is a spider with human powers.

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