...  The United States Treasury recently shot down a plan to consolidate the federal mints at West Point and Philadelphia into one building. A spokesman explained, "Some clown wanted to be able to say we have two mints in one." ... There's hope for my New Jersey-born daughter. She asked for my help in making gravy for Thanksgiving, real gravy that you eat with a fork, not that thin watery stuff that is passing for gravy in much of the East Coast. ... Trying to help holiday diners, scientists hope by Thanksgiving 2012, they will have successfully developed the first live turduckens. They are a particularly ugly bird that can't fly, swim or walk. However, they produce their own natural stuffing. ... The annual Friends of Bernie Madoff Christmas Extravaganza has been called off for lack of interest. ... The Occupy Narnia movement came to an abrupt end when the White Queen produced a record blizzard. ... And of course, we have to pay tribute to the most important social development of the year, Regis Philbin's retirement from morning TV.  Maybe he can try out for Andy Rooney's old spot.  "Did you ever wonder, WHY I PUT UP WITH KATHY GIFFORD ALL THOSE YEARS".